Beware the Lotus!

(This is not my words, but it speaks to my heart! I thought I would share it here and hope that you find encouragement and strength in it. - Christina )

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February 4, 2010 by Melissa  

Our history read aloud for the day was from William Russell’s Classic Myths to Read Aloud. We were following the journey of Ulysses and his men on their return home after ten years at war with the Trojans. In this reading, they had just landed on an unknown shore and met a peaceful people that fed them a strange fruit they’d never tasted–the fruit of the lotus, an intoxicating flowering plant on the island. “Whoever tastes of that fruit has no longer any desire to return home or to do anything at all, but to sit and dream happy dreams and forget the troubles of the world, and even forget his home and family.” As I read it, the words jumped from the pages straight into my heart.

The Holy Spirit penetrated my lotus-loving heart with those words to show me something amiss in my own life. I was eating the fruit of the lotus. My modern-day lotus kept me from the chores of my home. It made it easy to ignore the cares within my world and tune out my family, all while sitting and dreaming happy dreams. My personal lotus was the Internet.

I’m not writing to warn you of the perils of the Internet. I’m a fan (although one who must beware). This piercing reminder led me to examine my own life for things that wasted my time and energy. Things that turned my desires from God’s best to the world’s cheap imitations. For me, this is the Internet, but what about you? Is there a lotus in your life leading you astray? A ‘fruit’ whose sweetness pulls you away from the very home and family that should be the focus of your journey.


Often this is something that starts out in balance, but when it falls out of balance it pulls us in the wrong direction. Perhaps its the television, a hobby, a friendship, a computer game, Facebook, a great fiction book, a job, a message board or even a ministry. Any number of things, even good things, can lead us astray.

The Lord was showing me a pattern in my life where I was looking for escape on the Internet. Whether it was reading an inspiring blog (albeit a Christian one), researching homeschool curricula and ideas, or finding a great deal online, I was spending more time ’searching’ online than I was implementing the great things I found. I was Googling more ways to do my job of mom, homeschooler, wife, homemaker and money saver than I was praying to the Lord to show my His ways to do my job. The Internet is a great tool when kept in check, but the distortion of its place in my life led to its sweet tasting fruit zapping my desire for home and family, and ultimately the Lord.

It’s ironic that time wasters abound in our ever-efficient age. But it’s really a matter of the heart that allows us to slip under the power of something that will ultimately rob us of our time, energy and focus. I’ve found it’s easiest to get ‘lost in the lotus’ when I’m not steadfast in my vision of the Lord’s priorities for my life. After the Lord revealed this to my heart, I knew my vision was what needed to get back on track. Proverbs 29:18 says it best, “Where there is no vision, the people perish: but he that keepeth the law, happy is he.”

So I made it a priority to set my alarm (instead of waking whenever) and spend time praying and reading my Bible BEFORE chaos awoke in my home. I made it a point to talk to God all day long about all my concerns, both big and small, instead of looking for answers outside of Him.

I also forced myself to get to work on the work of my home. Whether it’s the kitchen piled high with dishes or the discipline issues I see in my children, I stopped trying to ignore it and look past it (not like this was an effective technique anyway). The more attentive and intentional I was in my home and with my family the less I had need of escape.

I also knew that for a time, I needed to take a break from my Internet indulgence. I had to stop eating the lotus, if you will. Or as Hebrews 12:1b puts it “…let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily hinders our progress. And let us run with endurance the race that God has set before us.” I needed to strip from my life that which was slowing me down and hindering my progress. No getting lost online before my day starts. No searching without purpose. No blog hopping for me.

So I pulled back until I felt the pull lessen. I can’t live life without the Internet, but I know I have to keep it in check. Accountability in this area can really help. Whatever your struggle, share it with someone who can help you stay on track and will encourage you along the way. Change up your routine and your habits. It takes time to break old habits and more time to start new ones, but these changes can help tremendously.

As a Christian, I know I have the power of the Holy Spirit at work in my heart and my life, but it was funny (yet comforting) to me that the Lord used the tale of the mythical lotus-eaters to grab my attention. I think of Romans 8:28: “And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.” Even our Greek mythology read aloud.

Melissa Morgner is a happy wife of 16 years to her college sweetheart and mother to six loud, but lovable children ranging in age from twelve to one. After eight years of homeschooling and sampling way too much curriculum, she takes an eclectic approach in their little schoolroom, choosing resources that best suit the children and the teacher. Her busy household puts her gifts of juggling and winging it to the test each day. She steals moments here and there to write on her blog, Day In Day Out, about the lessons she’s learning from the Lord in the routine but privileged tasks of mothering and homeschooling.

A day in the life.... (routines)

Ok, Suzanne over at Joyful Chaos, just did a blog about her day “how I do what I do”. I LOVE those posts! They are so helpful for me to read about how another mama does it. I ALWAYS wish I could be a fly on the wall in someone elses home! She asked for other mama's days too, so, in response to her post, I am writing one of my own (I figure If I am going to write it all down for her, I may as well put it in a place where I can look back on it a few years)

Here it goes:

I do not have a schedule, never have, hope to some day, but that is still a work in progress.  But we do have a few “routines” that we try to implement, so I guess I will just start there 

My Hubby gets up at 5 and mulls around the house until 6 when he leaves for work (me snoring away) My littlens usually wake up between 6:15 and 7, but are NOT allowed to wake me up (Yes, I really am that bad) They go and play in the toy room in the back of the house until I come in and get them. It is far enough from the sleeping rooms, that they can have a good ole time without disturbing the peace. (little people and Duplo blocks are thoroughly enjoyed by all)

I usually roll out of bed between 7 and 8 and give them some sort of morning snack (fruit, crackers, popcorn, sandwiches)(still in the toy room) and make a pot of coffee. While it brews, I usually start the laundry and maybe tidy up the kitchen. Once the pot is ready, it is computer time… email, facebook, and the occasional blog. This usually takes about an hour. 

After I have been completely selfish and am done with my coffee and “puter” time, I go in and “release the hounds” (Of course I mean… invite my sweet kids to come and enjoy the day with me) This is when we “do school”.

Lets see… today we are doing money… the first day of the month (I didn’t pay them for their chores last month at all) so … read *Math lesson* All of their moneys are laid out on the table at their seats and their banks and wallets are there too.  Steven (4) is working on coin identification and getting a jump on values. Rebekah (6) is working on coin value and introductory addition. Heather (8) is working on addition, and percentages mostly, but sometimes multiplication and division find their way into our lesson. Jeremiah (3yo) is counting the amount of coins and putting them in the slots that I tell him to. (fine motor skills) 

One subject is done, so we move on to breakfast (late because they have already snacked in the toy room) usually eggs or toast with peanut butter… sometimes both, and if I am feeling especially care free, we will indulge in a bowl of cereal every once in a while.

Now we work on chores. Since we use money as a math lesson, we need to give them a reason to be receiving it… they have age appropriate chores that they are responsible for. ..

Jeremiah(3)- Sorts laundry into piles of who they belong to. Later in the day he will set the table for dinner, and he gets to put all of his folded laundry away in the right drawers.

Steven (4)- puts away the dishes out of the dish washer, folds his laundry and puts it away in the right drawers, and cleans one of the bathrooms (sweep, scrub toilet, wipe down counter, wipe down outside of toilet and empty trash can.)

Rebekah (6)- keeps table wiped down and clean, folds and puts away her laundry, cleans the other bathroom, and vacuums the living room floor.

Heather (8)- moves laundry from the washer to the dryer and starts it, folds and puts away her laundry, sweeps dining room floor, and washes the dishes. (She is also kind of my go to girl when something needs to be done that does not have a person assigned to it)

Once chores are done, we do something fun… PE  My kids have decided that they really like doing exercises with me in front of the tv… we have two exercise videos (Both biggest looser) and we rotate through them… Yoga is a workout for all involved, cardio is just hard for me 

Then it is showers and dressed for the day.  Usually while the kids are busy (either with chores or showers) I will tidy up in the kitchen and start getting lunch laid out…. Normally pretty light, like fruit or sandwiches and salad… it is ready for them when they are done showering. 

Lunch time!  This usually falls somewhere around noon… sometimes before, sometimes after… it just kindof depends on how the day has gone.

Then… if the littles can handle it, they get to stay up for “school”. This is the one subject that we do everyday. It is called Disciple Curriculum. It incorporates reading, writing, summarizing, scripture memorization, drawing parallels in similarly themed stories, theology, and apologetics.  It usually takes between 30 and 45 mins. 

Then naps. Every once in a while Heather will get to stay up, but most of the time they are all down until the youngest wakes up or two hours has passed whichever comes first. This is my time… I can clean, read, sleep, prepare dinner, bake, write letters, practice a new craft (I am going to pull my sweing machine out one of these days and work on my "fix this please mommy" basket) whatever I want (kindof). 

When they wake up, they make sure that their chores are still done (some of them are several times a day kind of chores) and we start on dinner plans… sometimes they help, sometimes they get to go outside to play, sometimes it is time for Heather to read stories to her siblings… but it is pretty unstructured till daddy gets home. 

When daddy gets home (if I am really good, we have dinner ready to put on the table) we finish up making dinner and sit down together. Dinner is always followed by daddy reading from the bible. Sometimes just a few verses, sometimes a lot.. It just depends on how much conversation comes from it… if the passage is easy to understand, we get further, if it is more difficult (or the kids are not paying much attention) we don’t get very far… we have been in Romans for …. Oh, probably around 3 months, and we have gotten midway through chapter 3. We always review what we talked about last, and we always end up using the dictionary. (Yeah, more school)  

Then those with after dinner chores get to work while daddy builds a fire and we go from there… sometimes a movie, sometimes reading, sometimes free play in the toy room, sometimes baking together…. It varies by the night. 

Bedtime stories is pretty consistent… around 7-7:30 the kids get ready for bed… showers if they have not already had them, teeth brushed, hair brushed and come in the living room to hear a story. Either daddy reads (the current story is Lord of the Rings) or mommy reads (the current story is Little House) and then we exchange kisses and hugs, prayers and then to bed. 

Now … this is not always the way it happens… there are days that we don’t even see home because of errands in town. And there are days when we scrap the whole thing, watch movies or just battle with temper tantrums (sometimes mine, sometimes theirs). There are days that are spent going on walks with the dog to the library and days when we get much more done… but this is a rough outline of what a day in our home looks like. 

Now it is your turn! What does your schedule look like?

Making siblings friends

This was a great article by Kelly over at Generation Cedar. 
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A reader writes with an excellent question concerning helping our children get along:

“I was hoping you could do a posting on how to encourage little children to get along together. I have three boys, and another one coming, and there are days when I feel like a referee all day!…How do mothers cultivate patience with younger siblings and the desire to be with and teach and enjoy younger siblings, when baby brother is always “messing things up” for big brothers?? And how much do we “protect” big brothers from baby’s interruption?(ie put up baby gate to keep baby separate).“

There are some basic premises I think need to be established before even talking about sibling relationships.  We hold two truths regarding sibling strife:

Sibling strife is natural; sibling strife is not acceptable.

Natural meaning, it happens.  We all gravitate toward selfishness if we are left to “do what comes natural” and that breeds strife.  There isn’t a family exempt.  We expect it in our children.  But it’s “not acceptable” meaning “what comes natural” is not our measure of behavior.  The Word of God contains our standard.  What we expect will happen is not what we allow.

Here’s the trick:  there’s a wide and often harrowing gap between where we are and where we want to be.  As I’ve said many times before, “Motherhood is not for the faint of heart”.  If you answer the call to mother the children God has given you, there’s no way around rolling up your sleeves and getting ready to get dirty.

Here’s our starting point:

“Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves.” Phillipians 2:3

Contained in this verse is the essence of “loving your neighbor as yourself”.  This verse (and there are others) should be a common, household mantra.  It is so important that in training our children to get along we point to the reason:  Because God said so. If it’s just because “y’all are driving me crazy” (yes, I say this sometimes) or because we want other people to admire our parenting skills or any other reason, we have missed it.

We also have to remember the two dynamics working together:  we trust God to do a work in the hearts while we work on cultivating habits to meet the work.

And cultivating habits is a continuous work.  It helps me not to get discouraged when I remember that training children is an ongoing process.  We can’t address an issue and expect to solve it and move on.  Over time, yes, we expect growth.  But the cultivating is daily, weekly, monthly, yearly, while we prune, weed and fertilize the soil.

In esteeming others we expect acts of selflessness, kindness in tones, self-control and flexibility, and a general striving for peace.  Get it settled–this is life work.

Especially where there are little ones, consideration must be given to them and the older siblings involved in disputes.  This can get very hazy as we try to figure out the right way to deal with conflict.  The little ones need to learn that the world does not, in fact, revolve around them, and the older ones need to learn to set the example of “esteeming others better”, which involves more patience toward a younger sibling.

Enforce.  If younger ones are too young to comprehend lessons in sharing, etc., is has to be physically enforced.  Very young children do understand  ”no” and “wait” and should not be allowed to take things from others or destroy what others are doing, etc.  A negative command accompanied by a distraction may be all that’s in order.  Discipline in cases of obvious disobedience.

Teach the tools.  Even as early as around the age of 1, it’s important to give them appropriate responses and tools.  For example, if they want the toy that an older sibling has, I might say to them, “No, you must wait.  Ask (sibling’s name) “When you get done may I have it?” And then instruct the older one to help by agreeing to give the coveted toy in a reasonable time.  Though it’s more time-consuming, the earlier a child can learn patience and sharing, the better.

Employ the older children.  I talk often to my older ones about the importance of helping me teach the younger ones by example.  Helping them see that they can be an example of what God asks adds to their feeling valuable in the family.  I remind my older ones often of how they are either a good example or bad example to their younger siblings.

Remove the object. Instead of constantly refereeing every encounter, which can be exhausting, a better way to teach them to handle their own conflicts is to remove the object of strife, no questions asked.  Once they learn the results of strife or coming to Mom with every problem, they’ll naturally try to solve things and even be more willing to yield in order to avoid losing a desired item.

Don’t allow crying over toys.  We deal a lot with this with a 2, 3 and 5 year old.  Children learn early that crying gets mom’s attention and often gets them what they want.  It’s tempting, isn’t it, just to do whatever will make it stop?  I’ve tried to pay attention closely and never give a child what he wants if he’s crying or whining for it.  I simply tell him that since he’s crying he doesn’t get it at all right now.  “Come back later when you’re cheerful and ask me and I might be able to help you.”

Make them answer. Get into the habit of asking, “Are you loving your sister right now?”…”Is that the way you want to be treated?”…”Is that how God says we should treat each other?”…”Are you putting others first?” It’s that reminder of why we expect the behavior we do.

Work. I find it positively effective to react to strife by handing out jobs.  Not only is it a negative consequence that they’ll try to avoid in the future, but it removes the source (self) and puts them in serving mode.  Tailoring the work can be even more effective.  Having one child make another’s bed, etc., or having them work together.

Keep them close. One lady writes about “staking tomatoes”, comparing it to training children.  She suggests that it’s difficult to catch and therefore “bend” children in the right direction unless you are physically near them to see and hear what is going on.  This can be challenging, especially if you have several children.  But I think it’s very helpful if you detect a specific problem with a child or two, to keep them close in a “boot camp” type of training for a week or so.

With older ones…in extreme cases, we have eliminated all contacts with  other friends or social activites and claimed “no friends until you’re friends”.  It’s just that important.  A friend of mine also made her oldest boy and girl stand beside each other at every social event (church, etc.) until they agreed to be friends.

Duct tape. As a last resort, if you have two squabbling continually, you could duct tape their arms together.  It’s so bizarre, especially if you do it very calmly, that it completely disorients their thoughts and they totally forget about the strife.  They find it absolutely hilarious by the time they see you’re serious.  I’m only barely joking.  I think I may have done this once.

When they do it right…

This is big.  The biggest thing, in my opinion.  Look hard for the right behavior. And then go crazy.  Make a big deal about it.  And instead of saying, “I’m so glad you’re finally being nice!” instead say, “THIS IS IT!  Did you just hear yourself?   You just loved others more than yourself.  That is exactly what the Bible says to do and you did it!” (Very animated, of course.)  “I am so proud of you and I’m proud of the woman/man of God you’re becoming.  See what it feels like to make peace?”
Reward the peacemakers.  And keep at the task of building loving relationships.  This is a magnanimous work.  To build a home full of love and deference where siblings treat each other as friends is no small thing.  It’s also no easy thing.  The relationships built in your home will under gird every other relationship in their lives.  It will affect what kind of spouse they become, employee, neighbor, friend, and ultimately to teach a child to esteem others better than himself will bring him the only true contentment.

One of my favorite speeches:

“You know what?  I love you guys so much.  Too much to allow you to tear each other down and disobey the Lord in your relationships.  I’ll do whatever it takes to help you show each other love.  It’s not enough to say it.”

It’s worth the work.  “Let your light so shine before men’…the light of love being cultivated in a home where He reigns supreme and we don’t accept any standard but His.
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I would only add a handful of ideas to her list.
I read once that if you schedule your day, you can schedule in a block of time that is JUST little one and big brother/sister... 15 mins to an hour depending on how well they have learned this skill... this is bonding time. Big brother/sister gets to play a special game, read a special story, go on a walk, etc... this is something that only happens when big brother/sister has "their" time with little one. It becomes a treasured time. A memory building time where big brother/sister gets to "own" the responsibility of helping the little one grow up. You cannot measure the joy on the face of big brother/sister when little one comes out and says "look what bubu taught me!!"

Also, I would remind you (and myself) that the bible truly is a two edged sword! It can defeat many a debate or squabble in our children, but if we do not pick it up, we do not know how best to use it when the time of battle has arrived. That being said, scripture memory and daily reading of the word are SO VALUABLE!!! It is wonderfully amazing how God equips you with just the right tools :-)  (a story that applies, a verse about honoring your father and mother, a proverb, a promise... ) What  a blessing to be able to say that God is the one making the rules and we (children and parents alike) are just to obey. AND THEN SHOW IT TO OUR CHILDREN!!!


Oh... another phrase that has been used in our house (it really changes the perspective) is "That is my baby girl that you are treating badly... I cannot let you treat her that way. You are being a bully that I have to protect her from."

It is strange to watch the faces of the "mean" sibling when the perspective changes from "my annoying little sister" to "someones precious little girl" (also works from dads mouth eg"That is my bride you are speaking to!")

Being in the same room really does make a HUGE difference! Being right there to hear everything that is said.
And something we started really early on... "I dont speak whine" "We don't listen to tattle tailing" (that one is sometimes hard, but if kid comes to me and starts the sentence with sibs name, they are immediately cut off and reminded that tattling is not allowed) (they have gotten creative that way :-) but mostly as soon as they realize that they are tattling, they are told to go work it out) and "What are the rules in our house? Obey, Have a good attitude, and treat others like you want to be treated" (Every offense that we have encountered falls under at least one of those)

Ok, that is it for now...  I should be posting again soon, so, until then :-)
Me

Babies don't keep...

Song for a Fifth Child.

Mother, O Mother, come shake out your cloth,
Empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
Hang out the washing, make up the bed,
Sew on a button and butter the bread.

Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She's up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.

Oh, I've grown as shiftless as Little Boy Blue,
Lullabye, rockabye, lullabye loo.
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
Pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo

The shopping's not done and there's nothing for stew
And out in the yard there's a hullabaloo
But I'm playing Kanga and this is my Roo
Look! Aren't his eyes the most wonderful hue?
Lullabye, rockaby lullabye loo.

The cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow
But children grow up as I've learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down cobwebs; Dust go to sleep!
I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.

(no I am not preggers... not yet anyway) :-)

I just figured something out...

So, I have forever been really hard on myself for the way I homeschool (or ... don't). But not enough to send my children back to the big building down the road. Today I was enlightened while talking to my daughter. 

My 3rd grader has been trying to get in the habit of writing letters. Or rather, I have been trying to get her in the habit of writing letters :-) And I did not really know why until today. She FINALLY wrote to her pen pal Peter (his mommy's blog can be found here) and wanted to mail it off. But as I was looking over it, I asked her if I could keep it for a day and she could mail it tomorrow. I want to make a copy of it. Of course she asked why.

SSSSOOOOOOOO we got to have a discussion...

"I want to make a copy of it so that I can have record of your progress." Which did not make any sense to her (and not a whole lot to me either now that I come to think about it) So I started backtracking ... trying to figure out why I want to have a copy of the letter for myself... "Well, baby, you have improved so much in your penmanship and composition over the last year. I love how good you have gotten at it, but I want to see where you have come from. You give all you letters away and I don't get to compare." Now she felt very proud, but still did not understand why I want to be able to compare...

It was then that I realized (and explained) why I want her to write letters....

I HATED school!!! I hated the meaningless work... the papers that I spent so much time on, just getting thrown away... the busywork.

That explains why I do not assign it to my "students". I would so much rather them learn from things that they will use later on in life...

I told my little girl what the skills were that she was working on in her letter. (Penmanship, Composition, Comprehension, and time lines) and the different ways that I would have to teach her those concepts if it was not in the form of a letter... (copywork, Essays, summaries, and well, time lines)  How much time those assignments would take... how much "grading"... how many tears... I do not want to do that! I do not want her to do that!  I would so much rather have her WANT to write a letter to her friend. :-)

That is when it occurred to me... That is why my "school" does not look like so many others. We do not do very much sit down and busy work... we just go through life and learn as we go.

We bake alot... We have allowances and budgets... we read from the bible every night at dinner and talk through the passages (currently Romans... we have made it half way into the 3rd chapter and have been working on if for like 2 months) We have a Websters 1828 dictionary that we go to when we need clairification (all day long) We spend time with people and imagine ourselves in their shoes. There is probably more that we do in the way of learning, but I do not keep very good track of it because it is just the way we live... it is not... school.

I guess you could say that we just work on the skills that we want our children to have when they are outside of our house, and soak as much "learning" as possible from that.

Baking - following directions, math, problem solving, improvisation
Allowances - work ethic, team work, home economics, responsibility, accountability, math, justice
Budgeting - money value, division, percentages, tithing, responsible spending, the value of saving, giving
Bible reading - reading, vocabulary, research, listening, letting the other kids have input, theology, apologetics, root words, world view
Dictionary - research, vocabulary, tenses, word roots, suffixes, prefixes
People - empathy, treating others like we would want to be treated, how to behave in public, how to be gracious (so many people do not behave the way my children have been taught is right... the question of "fair" has come up ALOT)

Anyway... All said and done, she gave me permission to make a copy of her letter :-)

Well, that was my insight for the day :-)

Why Modern Motherhood is So Much Harder than it Ought to Be

Ok, this is another post from Mrs.P But if you have not started reading her yet, you are really missing out! Every mother ought to read this post!!!!  And read it to your daughters who are learning to become women. Oh my goodness this makes SO much sense to me!
-Christina -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why Modern Motherhood is So Much Harder than it Ought to Be

All around me, young mothers are stretched, and stressed, and struggling. Mommy burnout is rampant. And while, I’m sure that to some extent, it’s always been hard to manage a house full of young children, I also have a sneaking suspicion that it’s worse today, that the women of modern generations face handicaps our foremothers didn’t have to.

There was a time in the not too distant past when families worked together toward common goals. The day began with Pa and the boys doing the chores while Ma and the girls got breakfast. Everyone ate together, and then the men folk went to work in the fields or the shop downstairs, while the ladies set about the baking, or washing, or gardening, or whatever else was needed that day. The family was all together again for the midday meal before heading off to their afternoon’s work, divided only by gender lines, and then it was back together again for the evening meal and a little family time before bed. Everyone grew up watching their parents train younger siblings to help with the work, and possibly did a fair amount of training and tending of little brothers and sisters themselves. Work was done together for the good of the family business, whether it was a farm or a blacksmith shop, tailor shop, or dry goods store. Society was family centered.

Enter the Industrial Revolution. Individuals left the family unit to work in factories for the good of their employers. All day long they gave their best to further the company, and at the end of the day they brought home a paycheck that enabled them to buy food and clothes and other things that families used to make for themselves. Life became individual centered, and individuals became peer focused as they spent the majority of their waking hours with co-workers rather than with family.

The result was our modern society in which fathers go off to work alone, often very early in the mornings thanks to long commutes, and get home late; children are splintered off to age-graded classrooms and activities until they reach adulthood when they take their own place in a corporation, living all day with co-workers, striving together for the good of the company.

Now suppose one of those employees is a woman. We’ll call her Jane. One day, smiling at her over the water cooler is Mr. Right. They tie the knot, and four years later (once they’ve had time “to get to know each other”), they decide to have a baby. Jane has always been a bit old fashioned, and she believes that children do best with care from their own mothers, so around her seventh month of pregnancy, she quits her job and gets ready to be a stay at home mom.

At first, it’s exciting. The baby’s on it’s way, and there’s lots to do to decorate the perfect nursery. But then one day, Jane finds herself in her pajamas at 11:00 in the morning with stringy hair and spit up down her back, trying to comfort an inconsolable baby, and wondering what happened to her life.

Fast forward four years. Things have improved slightly. Jane usually manages to get into sweats before the day gets too far along, but she’s bored and lonely, and her four year old and her two year old are constantly fighting. The living room floor is littered with toys. The laundry is never folded. And dinner was frozen pizza three nights last week. It drives Jane crazy, and she’d like to work on trying to solve some of her problems, if she could just figure out how to get a shower.

Why is it like this? I’ll admit this was a bit of a caricature, but not much. Nearly all of Jane’s woes have happened to me before, or at least I’ve heard multiple women complain about them, and I wouldn’t be surprised if I’m not the only one. What’s going on? I blame most of it on our handicaps.

Obviously, not all women have all of the handicaps that I’m about to enumerate (I don’t), and some may even sound a little foreign, depending on each person’s background, but I think that most of us are plagued by at least a few of the following.

1. We are handicapped by our society’s (begrudging at times) acceptance of mothers at home, but total lack of acceptance of women staying home without children. “There’s nothing to do,” the conventional wisdom goes, as if cooking, shopping, and laundry are so incidental as to fit nicely into cracks. The result of this is that, just like Jane in my story, most women don’t come home full time until they become mothers. What few of us take into account is that coming home after spending most of your life in school or at work is a MAJOR life change. We go from almost constant people contact and interaction to hours of solitude. We go from a life in which we are able to complete many tasks (like papers, and work projects) that we will not have to do again, to a world in which we will have to do most of our tasks over, and over, and over.  We go from a world in which our work was evaluated by others, and our schedules were, at least to some extent, controlled by others, to a world in which we are almost totally responsible for our own time management, and in which we are only seeking to please our husbands and the Lord. This can be hugely bewildering. It was for me. I was very depressed for a long time when I first came home after graduating from college. It took me between one and two years to wean myself away from dependence on the constant feedback of school grades to confirm my worth.

Becoming a mother is also a MAJOR life change. The responsibility can be overwhelming at times. For the first time in our lives, another human being is completely dependent upon us for everything. This little person can’t even change his own position if he gets uncomfortable or bored. We have to completely adjust our schedules to take into account the baby’s needs, and often our own needs seem lost in the shuffle. Many women face difficulties learning to breastfeed, figuring out sleeping, and yes, even showering with a new baby to care for. Marriages are often in flux at this point, too, as relationships adjust to account for a third family member. On top of this, many of us face the postpartum hormonal roller coaster and the physical pain and exhaustion of recovering from the birth.

It is insane that our culture expects us to go through both changes at once. And yet, for many women, this is the norm. We’ve all heard of “stay at home moms.” “Stay at home wives” and “stay at home daughters” are oddities in most circles.

2. We are handicapped by our society’s norm for raising children. Most of us did not spend much time at home growing up. The majority of our hours were spent at school or in age graded sports, music, or other activities. Add to that the fact that most women came from typical 2.1 child households, and the result is we know nothing about being home all day with small children. How many of us watched our mothers cook dinner every night with babies on their hips? How many of us were assigned the job of folding laundry with our three-year-old sister? How many of us helped with potty training or spent our pre-mommy lives thinking it was normal to have conversations with six-year-olds about dinosaurs or construction equipment? We have been thrown into a demanding job we have no experience for. We don’t know how to get our household jobs done with “help.” We loose our minds having “infantile” discussions with children all day and miss our “intelligent” peers and co-workers. We don’t have the management and multitasking skills to drive the household forward, and often wind up getting dragged behind a run-away mob of runny-nosed hooligans, maybe not every day, but often enough to lead to at least minor bouts of despair.

3. We are handicapped by our society’s view of home as end of the day landing site. We don’t know how to cope with being there all day. The majority of our before children creativity is devoted to careers and school. This means that when women come home, their minds are numbed by the sheer monotony of staying all day in the place the rest of the world only resorts to when they want to watch TV, eat a quick meal, or sleep. We have no vision of our homes as productive centers of education (both for our children and ourselves), outreach, artistic expression, and even entrepreneurship.  And those of us who do catch hold of the dream, usually have no examples to follow, and have to work out what that means all by ourselves from scratch, making all the inevitable mistakes along the way.

4. We are handicapped by our society’s undervaluing of homemaking. Home skills aren’t really respected because home isn’t seen as all that important. After all, wasn’t it the family farm we all wanted to get away from so badly in the Industrial Revolution? And we can thank the feminists of the 60’s and 70’s for reminding us that any brainless, dependent leech can keep things going at home. Work is the exciting place. Now some people will concede that children do better with their own mothers than in a daycare, so it’s OK with some people if mothers stay home to care for their children, but homemaking? That’s not really necessary. We don’t have any idea of what to do at home, so many women assume that they’re just kind of there as babysitters to keep the kids from killing themselves while they play all day and trash the house. There’s nothing more boring than having no goals, no real responsibilities, and no meaningful work. If you don’t cook, so what? There’s always McDonald’s. If you don’t clean, so what? The house is a disaster, and you’re depressed about it, but you have little kids, and who can really expect anything to be different?

5. We’re handicapped by our society’s view of fatherhood as financial support and nothing more. We women are home ALONE with our children. We’re no longer part of a team. Modern men don’t live in a family centered world. Instead of working downstairs in the shop or out in our own fields, they’re across town all day in an office. They aren’t home for a midday meal. They aren’t taking the children with them to do chores, or training the boys to work alongside them.

Men no longer see children as their “job.” Consequently, women have the full responsibility for the children in many households, which means they must be working, or at least “on-call” 24 hours a day, seven days a week, which translates into a 168 hour work week. Men think they’re working crazy hours when they hit 60 or 80 hours per week, but many dads still feel entitled to sit around in the evenings watching TV or surfing the web to decompress and still expect their wives to do all the parenting. Since the children aren’t their job anyway, even when they are home, many fathers don’t invest much in their children. But parenting IS the father’s job. Nearly every parenting command in the Bible is given to “fathers,” not mothers. Women are being asked to parent for two much of the time. And as anyone in the work world will tell you, doing your job AND someone else’s is exhausting.

A lot of dads (like my wonderful husband) believe that they need to parent with more than a paycheck and are making their children a priority. But they’re still stuck in the system. They’re still gone for hours. They still have to go to work alone instead of with their children. And for mothers, the lonely days can be long and hard.

So what’s the answer? Well, the best plan is to become a radical and create a Utopia. Seriously. Realize the mess our culture has made of motherhood, and make fixing it part of the micro-culture you create in your home. You may also have to put yourself through rehabilitation and physical therapy for your attitudes. And it may just be hard for a while, but at least maybe we can stop blaming ourselves for our lack of “talent,” or thinking that we aren’t cut out to be mothers and admit that we do actually have some challenges to overcome.
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Discipleship Parenting

Discipleship Parenting

On this earth, our human relationships reflect spiritual relationships and can serve to teach us many things about our relationship with God. For most of us, the first, most fundamental relationship is that of children relating to our parents. Time and time again in Scripture, God describes himself as our Father, and we gain much of our understanding about Who He is based on how we have interacted with our human parents. And so one thing that has become foundational to my husband and me is that we behave toward our children in such a way as to teach them experientially from the moment of their births things that are true about God, things that will help, rather than hinder their relationships with Him, because the ultimate goal of parenting should not be independent children, but children who transfer their dependence on their parents to dependence on God. It is out of that desire that we have sought, in our very fallible way, to model our parenting of our children after the Lord’s fathering of His children.

One of the most basic ways this has been played out practically is in seeking to always be available to our children. This is a somewhat revolutionary thought and one that severely goes against our independence-loving culture. All around I hear moms talking about how much they want to get away from their children. They can’t wait for school to start so they can get something done. They need “me time” so they don’t go crazy. And they need babysitters for everything, babysitters during Bible study and church, babysitters so they can hang out with other couples, and babysitters for clubs and “Mom’s Day Out;” I even had a lady suggest to me that I should have a mother’s helper come in so I could do my laundry. It was quite a revelation to me the day I asked myself, is this the way God treats us? I came up with a resounding, “NO!” Consider the following verses, which are just the tip of the iceberg:

Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the LORD thy God, he that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee. –Deuteronomy 31:6

I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.–Hebrews 13:5b

Psa 55:16,17 As for me, I will call upon God; and the LORD shall save me. Evening, and morning, and at noon, will I pray, and cry aloud: and he shall hear my voice. –Psalm 55:16,17

Psa 34:15 The eyes of the LORD are upon the righteous, and his ears are open unto their cry. –Psalm 34:15

…and, lo, I am with you alway, even unto the end of the world. Amen. –Matthew 28:20b

We have come to the conclusion that just as the Lord is always with us, we should seek to be with our children as much as we possibly can to help foster in them the kind of trust that they will eventually transfer to the Lord. But the Lord doesn’t stay with us just to comfort and help us, He is discipling us, chastening us, teaching us through His Word and through carefully chosen life experiences, all for the purpose of conforming us to the image of His Son. So, too, we believe, should we as human parents have as our purpose discipling our children toward Christ-likeness. And, interestingly enough, there’s a direct command for parents that seems to me to illustrate this principle.

Deu 6:6,7 And these words, which I command thee this day, shall be in thine heart: And thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up. –Deuteronomy 6:6,7

The picture here is one of discipleship, it’s one of parents taking their children everywhere with them. It’s a system in which no teachable moment is ever missed. Not only do the children have constant access to their parents, but the parents are constantly investing in their children, constantly teaching and training. And the children who are parented in this way, learn not just from their parents words, but from their examples also. This is exactly the relationship that our Heavenly Father has with His Son.

Then answered Jesus and said unto them, Verily, verily, I say unto you, the Son can do nothing of himself, but what he seeth the father do: for what things soever he doeth, these also doeth the Son likewise. For the Father loveth the Son, and sheweth him all things that himself doeth: and he will shew him greater works than these, that ye may marvel. –John 5:19,20

Showing our children what we’re doing, teaching them to do it, too, working together: this is the kind of relationship that fosters the closeness necessary for our words to have weight with our children. Consider:

Pro 23:26 My son, give me thine heart, and let thine eyes observe my ways. –Proverbs 23:26

How many teenagers lament that their parents “just don’t understand” them? We want to have our children’s hearts, and though we don’t have teenagers yet, we believe a key element of preparing for that time is simply spending A LOT of time with our children from Day 1 so that we will truly know and understand them and they us, and so they have a chance to observe our ways. And, of course, we’re not just trying to produce clones of ourselves to pad our own egos. As Paul said,

Be ye followers of me, even as I also am of Christ. –1 Corinthians 11:1

Any fruit that we hope to see in our children’s lives must first be evident in our own lives. We need to be working together as a whole family toward godliness, and as parents, it’s our job to take the lead both through direct training and example.

We all have the tendency to want to be like whomever we spend the most time with. If we want our children’s hearts, if we want their eyes to observe our ways above the ways of their friends, the people on TV, and the media all around them, if we want them to have the kind of relationship with us early on that will help them understand a right relationship with God later, then we need to never leave them nor forsake them, our ears need to be open unto their cries, we need to tell them about the Lord throughout the day, and show them everything we do.

So, how do you really go about this day by day? I’m definitely still learning myself! In a moment, though, I’ll share some of the things the Lord has taught us so far on what it might mean to be discipling our children. But before I start, I do want to emphasize one very important thing. What I’m about to say is the practical outworking of the principles I’ve just gone over as my husband and I have applied them to our family. Your family is different. Please consider what’s here and take what is helpful. I’m not trying to create a new law that you must live by or else you’re a bad mother and a bad Christian. These are our convictions, and they are genuine convictions, but I’m not here to judge you if you have different ones. My motivation in sharing these things is simply to encourage you and to give you some idea of what this lifestyle could look like, but it’s up to you (and your husband!) to decide what thoughts, if any, you’ll implement in your home. With that in mind, let’s get started.

When we have a tiny baby, discipling mostly means modeling God’s faithfulness by letting him be with us all the time. We try to put him where he can see what we’re doing and talk to him and sing to him as much as possible. And if he’s struggling, I try to lay my work aside. This can be REALLY hard sometimes. But I always remember that my baby has an eternal soul. My first child wanted to be held all the time, so I know what it’s like to not even feel like you can sit down and eat. Sometimes housework isn’t going to get done. Sometimes we may have to eat frozen pizza for dinner. But what I invest in my baby is forever. I once read a wonderful line in an article by Tamera Eaton, entitled, A Wasted Day? It said, “I don’t plan on taking my dirty laundry with me to heaven, but I do plan on taking my children.” My baby needs a mommy who’s going to disciple him by showing him consistent love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, and temperance more than he needs a dust free environment or an uncluttered nursery.

As our babies have grown, what the principle of discipleship has meant for us is that we’ve made the commitment to include our children in our day to day work just as our Heavenly Father graciously lets us bumble our way through participating in His work. Since I’m the one home with them most of the time, that mostly translates to including the children in day to day work. I make a real effort to keep them in the same room with me all the time. If they’re truly too young to be involved, I at least let them get their hands messy, so to speak. If they can’t fold laundry yet, I let them have some small towels to wad up in a ball. And an older baby in a front pack or sling can help put laundry in the washer or empty the silverware tray from the dishwasher into a drawer. As soon as they can stand up reliably by themselves I let them start helping a little in the kitchen with dumping in ingredients and stirring. And toddlers can try their hand at washing dishes or scrubbing potatoes or carrying things in from the car. And while I’m doing all these things, I can be singing hymns with them, talking to them, and of course, answering lots, and lots, and lots of questions, questions that would never come up if they were in the other room watching a video.

Is it impossible to be efficient in this kind of arrangement? Well, yes and no. What I’ve discovered is that when I succumb to the overwhelming urge to do something “efficiently” and try to leave my children in another room playing by themselves, they always make the biggest messes. These are the times that they tend to break things, draw on the carpet, take toys away from each other, and generally make it impossible for me to work efficiently! As Proverbs 29:15 says, “a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame.” I find it actually saves time in the long run to include my children whenever I can.

Another commitment we have made is to always worship with our children. We have decided that even if we go to a church one day that has these things that we will never place our children in church nurseries or Sunday school classes, not because they are fundamentally evil, but because we feel they can be a case of the good getting in the way of the best. WE are the ones responsible before God for the training of our children. We don’t want to give up that responsibility, that privilege, to anyone. We also don’t want to send the message to our children that we can’t worship God with them around. And they soak up an awful lot! My oldest, when she was three and a half, was already asking questions about the sermons she was hearing. Even very young children can learn to sit quietly in church. And before you know it, they’ll be participating. At our little meeting, we have a family whose two oldest boys are ten and twelve, and they’ve been answering questions in the whole group discussion time for over a year now.

Another thing we’ve done is to think long and hard before we get a babysitter. We view it as a sign that we have our children’s hearts that they want to be with us, to go where we go, and do what we do, and we don’t want to undervalue or diminish that desire. We do go out on a date by ourselves every once in a while, (but we take along any baby who’s still exclusively nursing), and my husband and I take turns going to the gym a couple nights a week, but on the whole we take our children everywhere, even out to dinner or to “grown-up” events like adult friends’ birthday parties. This, of course, necessitates a lot of extra training, but since our children are going to spend most of their lives interacting in an adult world, we figure the sooner they learn how, the better off they’ll be.

One other major commitment we’ve made that I would seriously encourage you to consider is homeschooling. I personally think it would be extremely difficult to really disciple my children if they were away from me six or seven hours a day. Frankly, I can’t imagine how I could obey the Lord’s command to talk of His commandments when I sit in my house, when I walk by the way, when I lie down, and when I rise up, if my children weren’t with me when I was doing all those things. Not everyone can homeschool, of course, but if you have the chance, I wouldn’t pass it up.

This path that I have described is far from easy. In fact, if you decide to try any of it, it will probably often feel like the hardest kind of parenting imaginable. We’ve been working alone all our lives, and our flesh likes to remind us how easy it would be to go back to doing things that way. I know I fail so often in truly being open to my children, but the days when, by the Lord’s grace, I manage to do all these things I’ve shared are the happiest and most peaceful of my life.