Monday, November 2, 2009

Mechanics and Nutritionists

Oh my goodness! This was GREAT!

- Christina


“Welcome to Joe’s Nutrition.  What can we do for you today?”

“Well, my doctor wanted me to talk to you about my diet.  He says I’m eating too much.  I know he’s probably right, and I keep trying to cut back, but then I get so hungry –”

“So you’re needing more fuel than you used to?”

“Well, I don’t think I really need it.  I just don’t seem to have any willpower.”

“Willpower’s got nothin’ to do with it, pal.  If you’re burning too much fuel, then something’s wrong with the system, you see?  Something’s messing up the works.”

“Uh … I hadn’t really thought of it that way.”

“Could be an endocrine imbalance, maybe something wrong with the blood sugar regulator, not enough oil … all kinds of things.  So let’s start simple.  What kind of fuel are you using?”

“Only the best.  Whole grain cereals, potatoes, wheat bread, lots of fruit –”

“Wo, wo, wo.  So you’re stuffing the tank full of sugar?”

“No, of course not!  Whole grain cereals, potatoes-”

“Same fuel, different name.  It all turns to sugar in the tank, buddy.  You got any idea what all that sugar does to the rest of the system?  You’re working the blood sugar regulator to death.  Half of what you’re eating is probably going straight into the ol’ storage tanks.  No wonder you’re eating so much.”

“But … uh … they always told me –”

“Forget what they told you.  They don’t know jack.  You want clean combustion in the engine, stop putting sugar in the tank.  Your engine needs oil, and I don’t mean the cheap synthetic stuff, either.  I’m talking about real butter, olive oil, and lots of good quality saturated fat.”

“Saturated fat?!  But that will just gum up the engine!”

“You know who started that rumor?  The people who make the synthetic crap, that’s who.  Trust me, you switch to the good stuff, you’ll feel better than you have in years.”

“Wow, that’s a relief.  So I don’t need any expensive repairs, or –”

“I’ll be happy to do all kinds of expensive repairs if you decide to ignore my advice.”


“Howdy, welcome to Kelly Brownell Auto Repair.  Can I help you?”

“Yeah, something’s not right with my car.  It’s sluggish and it’s burning way more gas than it used to.  Can you 
maybe take a look under the hood, or run some kind of test, or–?”

“You say she’s burning too much gas?”

“Definitely.  I have to fill up like twice a week now, and I don’t even drive that much anymore.”

“Well, there’s your problem.”


“You’re putting too much gas in it.”

“Uh … I’m not sure I’m following you here.”

“Well, it’s simple.  She’s burning too much gas.  So stop putting so much gas in the gas tank.  You see?”

“Well, uh … don’t you think maybe something’s wrong with the engine, or the fuel system, or maybe there’s a leak, or–”

“No offense, buddy, but you’re talking to a professional here.  I see this all the time.  People come in with cars that are sluggish, and every darned one of them is filling up the tank all the time.  Doesn’t take a rocket scientist to put two and two together.  If she’s burning too much gas, stop filling her up all the time.  Then she can’t use too much gas.  Like I said, it’s simple.”

“Okay.  Right.”

“And if she’s still sluggish, you need to get her out on the highway a few times a week and run her at a high speed for an hour or so.”

“Well … that kind of seems like it might just make the car use more gas.”

“No, no, no, you’re missing the whole idea here.  Give her less gas, but drive her around a lot more.  That’s how you get your mileage up.  Less gas, more miles, that means more miles per gallon.  You understand the math?”

“Uh …”

“Look, it’s not hard.  Lucky for you, the gas stations around here are required by law to show you exactly how many gallons you’re putting in the tank.  So let’s say you normally put in fifteen gallons.  Just watch that meter real close, and then stop when you’ve put in, say, ten gallons.  Then drive her around a lot more.  Problem solved.”

“Uh, yeah, sure.  Thanks.”

“And if that doesn’t work, come back next week.  I’ll be happy to give you the same advice again.”

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