Friday, September 4, 2009

Allow me to pose a question...

So last night, my sweet husband met me in town (after the kids and I had gone grocery shopping) and traded me vehicles. He took  the kids and perishables home, and I went to the hospital to visit some sweet friends who just had babies.

I went to visit the first mama... she went in to get checked out... she was having problems breathing and the baby was not doing well with the contractions... It turned out, she had pneumonia and the baby WAS having problems with the contractions... they ended up doing an emergency C-section to get baby, and mama needed a blood transfusion (anemic) and lots of antibiotics for the pneumonia... poor thing... She is doing a little better now that she can sleep, but really disheartened that she has not been able to see baby (he went to NICU and she has been drugged up). I will keep praying for her and the rest of her clan as both her and baby recover from this.

The second visit I made was for some friends that we have gotten to know pretty well over the last few years. What a blessing... They had twins! Not that it was a surprise or anything. I knew they were having twins, I don't know what I was expecting... I guess I don't really think about TWO babies... It was... refreshing... surreal... surprising... no, none of those are right, but interesting... to see them both.

As I stood there and talked with my friends and held their babies and listened to their stories... I found myself.. blessed. Even as I am writing this I am tearing up... what a sap I am .. 
Sawyer and Greyson
Proud mama and papa

ANYWAY, I have not really concreted in my brain yet that we are not going to be doing the same thing, ever, again. That was my life for so long. I went up the elevator (the wrong one mind you) and recalled my water breaking IN the same elevator, the doors opened and I walked to the counter and had to confess that I had NO idea where I was going... "Excuse me, I wonder if you can help me? I have only ever been here to HAVE babies before. I know I am not in the right place, but I dont know where to go to VISIT them..."  I walked down the halls and realized that any one of my reletives would laugh at me because they would all know the hospital better than I do...

Boy, I get distracted... back to the point of the story... I got to sit in the room with my friends, holding their babies, and watching them be new parents... remembering my experiences, and ... missed it, longed for it.

 For two and a half years now I have been trying to tell myself that I am better off now... knowing that I will not be a size bigger in a month, knowing that we will be able to fit in the car we are driving, knowing that I do not need to save all of the toys and clothes and diaper bags and car seats... knowing that within sight is a time with no more diapers, no more bottles, no more pacifiers... knowing that my emotions are my own and not some alien inside me injecting hormones where they do not belong... I have been trying to convince myself that sleeping through the night is a great consolation prize... that it is good to wear a normal bra (not the kind with easy access for hungry mouths).... that engorged breasts and cracked, bleeding nipples and stained shirts are happily a thing of the past.

After last night... I think I have convinced myself exactly the opposite... that all of those seemingly undesirable things, are SO worth the product... So worth the beautifully wrapped gift that God has prepared you for. Those sweet little coo's and the tiny little fingertips on the side of your ribcage as you nurse that little one... the wonder of new life and all of the miracles that go with it... the forming of a body, the coming together of its personality, all the physical developments, and after the birth, that God is SO good as to put EVERYTHING that that baby needs to survive, inside its mama. (Yes, I am a believer in nursing) 

I am not discontent with my life as it is... I love my husband! Even if we had not had kids, I was still blessed beyond my worth through Gods gift of my sweet man. And I am so grateful for the four precious lives that we have already been entrusted. Each one of them is so unique. I truly enjoy each of my kids.  If they were not my kids, I would want to be around them...

I LOVE the creativity of my first one. She see's good in EVERYTHING...

The passion of my second. Let me tell you... since she was a week old, if she was happy, her toes would tell you, and if that child was mad, well, there was NO denying it, when she is excited she literally JUMPS, and if she is sad, you want to cry for her....

The desire to be a gentleman that is so strong in my third. He will be so offended if you do not let him open the door for you....
And the excitement in my fourth. He enjoys life to its fullest... he wants to be all of his siblings.

No, I am not discontent AT ALL! But I find myself regretful that we chose to be done having babies.

SO that brings me to the title of this post...

What is baby fever? Is it jealousy? Is it discontentment? Is it trying to fill a void? Will it go away? Should it? Is it God reminding you that He has something in store for you?

I am eager to hear your opinions... I am still formulating mine.

1 comment:

  1. Wow, I am just going through and rereading my old posts as I transfer them from one address to this address and this one makes me cry ... still!!! We have, since writing this, come to the conclusion that we should NOT have taken the size of our family in our own hands, and that by doing so, we were not listening to God's leading in our lives. We have reversed the mistake and have almost finalized the adoption of our twin girls. BUT we still have that longing for a baby... the kids have it too. We still ache from the selfish choice that we made when we had that vasectomy. If you are unsure of where God is leading your family in regards to size, Read the Bible!!! Pray hard!!! Do not make permanent decisions that you are not sure about. I pray for your family as you seek HIS wisdom!